TO
THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE
THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.
The following
was found posted very
low on a
refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the
paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine
and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor, do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The
stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do
not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort,
however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the
last time, there is no
secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
- canine/feline assistance is not required.
The
proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally,
in the interest of fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following
message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1)
They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair
on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it
'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like
most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are
adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids
because they:
(1) eat less,
(2)
don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4)
normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6)
don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8)
don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a
gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant,
you can sell their children ...
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